Fuckboys Have Feelings Too

Fuckboys Have Feelings Too

Hi Boys and Girls!

I’m here to talk to you about today’s “Word of the Day”……. FUCKBOY.

Eff-You-See-Kay-Bee-O-Why.

Fuckboy is a popular and effective slur reserved for only the utmost cantankerous, lily-livered men-children trolling the planet.  They can be described as the bro’s who generally piss off the majority of the earth’s population with obnoxious sexual references, a healthy dose of narcissism and a whole shit-ton of douchebaggery.

I think I just described Donald Trump…. that wasn’t intentional.

But I would like to take this moment to commend all the fuckboys, worldwide, for sharing one common redeemable quality.  (Yes, there is one, and only ONE.)

You never have to tell a fuckboy that he is a fuckboy.  He already knows.  

Calling him out is basically the same thing as John Madden commentating on EVERY football game.  Be creative and go a different direction.  Might I suggest throwing around phrases such as “I don’t believe in immunizations.”

If he’s a dummy, and doesn’t understand the implications of that statement, then bring it to the kindergarten level.  “So what does your 5-year plan look like?”

He’ll break into a sweat and start squirming. You can continue to toy with him, or you can go in for the kill; “Hey, have you ever taken one of those emotional intelligence tests online?  I think I have it bookmarked on my phone……they are soooo much fun.” Insert Fuckboy’s vapor trail here.

Then again, if face to face psychological game playing isn’t really in your comfort zone, you can just subscribe to this little Scottish piece of heaven.  He has an ingenious method for dealing with fuckboys.  (He also has more positivity radiating out of his baby blue eyes than Mary Poppins rolling on E at Disneyland.)


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Naturally, Tinder is ripe with fuckboys.  But don’t let that discourage you.  When I match with a good old fashion ass-napkin, I don’t unmatch and move on.  OH NO NO NO.  The voices in my head are too fast to react with “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.”

Now here’s the secret… because you are conversing through an app on a phone, you have an advantage.  You have time on your side.  You have Google.  You can reuse the same material over as many times as you want and no one is the wiser.  If all else fails, start pouring yourself some drinks and call on a friend for fresh ideas.  (My sister has come up with some of the BEST one-liners on the fly.  Enlist help; it makes the whole mess even better. I promise.)  And lastly, don’t worry if your comeback falls flat on its face.  That guy doesn’t know you.  And I have yet to run across anyone posting screenshots of Tinder conversations online……..  So knock yourself out.

Do you think that perhaps this might be a fuckboy’s theme song?  Eh eh eh.